Aurora
since la quinta i have sensed a subtle yet powerful shift from within—i have slowly moved beyond my past self who’s fixated on pursuing uncommon things whilst sucking up the discomfort, to one who makes conscious efforts to stay present with discomfort, such that uncommon things feel more like a natural portal to a liberating life.
calling it an obsession may be a bit of a stretch, but it seems that i’ve always had this interest in observing, testing and pushing my limits. well, sometimes i fall short in seeing through the whole journey—i observed, then i lost drive; or i observed and tested, but i bailed. i don’t know where exactly this comes from, but somehow i grew up this way. i’d compress timelines, raise the bar of normalcy, widen the gap between the peaks and the troughs... only to play catch-up, or feel grossly under-prepared yet take on the challenges anyway? i am lucky i have this playful spirit in me, since it has really thrown me into many wonderful endeavors that i would probably never just stumble upon. but i also knew there’s more to this out there—that there’s a force more consistent than the eerily painful and exhilarating feeling of navigating all the uncertainties buried in the long arc of an ironman.
i think i got lucky again, in that the life of a wall street analyst who also happens to have a thing for being an ironman triathlete really leaves me little time to hesitate. visualizing my version of success, as well as the paths leading to it, has always been my secret weapon. but when the resistance is too immediate and overwhelming—which turns out to be quite commonplace for ironman conditioning—having an innate visceral connection to the sufferings tends to backfire.
notice how i’ve been calling the sessions “sufferings”? the first adjustment i made was to truly level with myself before any meaningful striving. in the old days i would lean into some sort of self-pep-talk, and think my way into believing the effort wouldn’t be as painful, or the moment wouldn’t be as huge. i let go of that semi-delusional system when i discovered no amount of hype or soothing can keep my engine running at such intensity for such continuity. instead, i began accepting the ensuing hardship and tension, deeply engraving the meaning of such sufferings into my heart—that mindset has allowed me to just keep going.
at the same time, fighting against fear—the darkness and the chilliness of the oceans—has taught me to collapse the space between intention and reality as quickly as i possibly can—the more time i give myself to visualize, the more likely i am to curb the intentional exposure to fear and seek comfort instead. when the inner and outer life are in constant, tight-knit conversation, i don’t feel like i’m overcoming gravity to do hard things; i sense gravity working with me.
the other shift was quieter—almost architectural. it didn’t arrive all at once, but through my recurring battles with momentum and inertia i started to see it with clarity: my living space ought to be an operating system, optimized for what matters most in this chapter of my life. as for the future, i trust the space will take care of itself—cos as our extended mind, it naturally embodies our highest values and reflects our deepest aspirations back to us, doesn’t it?
so session by session, the rv slowly morphed into the pain cave i now know. the trainer sits front and center in the narrow corridor, where it can’t be neglected or negotiated with. it lives there like an altar to continuity: cycling shoes tucked beneath the sofa, towel draped along the edge of the dining table, bottles and gels queued at the coffee station. i walk in and it’s the first thing i see, reminding me that now is the only time that ever arrives.
the hardwood cabinets rattle a little when the flywheel spins up; the whole space turns into a contained storm—controlled suffering that i step into, again and again. this is what environment-maxxing has come to be: making the work physical, whilst in the same stroke unlocking flow states that feel almost effortless. placing the right friction in the right place, until the good decisions become inevitable. in here, the ironman lifestyle doesn’t feel like a faraway possibility i have to conjure—it’s already happening, the moment i walk through the door.
i am grateful for finding this life—one that asks for genuine presence, the willingness to sustain discomfort, the capacity for deep joy. from now on, growing into an ironman will be about i am who i said i am—about synchronizing the two selves, the one who knows and the one who acts, into a single person moving through the world with uncommon force.