Parallaxing
tacitness, or chemistry as we call it on the hardwood, has been an inexplicably wonderful thread running through different chapters of my life. i feel lucky it has found me in the vastness of our universe, cos it’s probabilistically null the other way around. it’s such a rare, lasting wonder, somehow standing up against some of the most mystical paradoxes known to us.
for starters, tacitness isn’t given much of a chance by the concept of time. a nuanced presence humming in our subconscious and awakened through interactions with specific counterparties, it seems bound to be diluted away in the granular texture of daily life. zooming out and looking back, sometimes entire years appear to have evaporated like morning mist, leaving only the most visceral moments fresh and alive. and layered on top is the awareness that this particular shape of my life—this time, this place, this emotion—is as temporary as it is fleeting.
yet, tacitness endures and traverses. from childhood backyards to high-rise workstations, hesi shoulder-bumps to cool-guy handshakes, pedaling two-wheels to cruising fours… the spirits never really change, despite the disconnect we sometimes feel between the microscopic present and the telescopic past (running for a decade and a half now!). life is an infinite playground everywhere we set foot, peaks and troughs approached alike with an amused, borderline-lackadaisical visage. i wonder: were we always this way from the age of seven, or do we owe it to those little moments of tacitness?
then, even neuroscience seems wired to show tacitness a hard time. tacitness is sparked when characters opt for the same melody, yet kept high-fidelity by identities echoing each other’s dances through muscle memories. it’s not found in either state, or somewhere in between, but rather nurtured along the edges of both. basal ganglia—the part of our brain handling automatic, unconscious behaviors— isn’t used to this tug-of-war with the prefrontal cortex, which handles conscious decision-making. so, tacitness doesn’t come by easily—willpower is called for, not just to cross the initial threshold so it feels effortless, but also to let it run its course and wait for time to work the magic.
it doesn’t really hit me that way anymore, though. perhaps our tacitness has long since become an integral part of who i am. and i feel lucky to have that part of me humming in my subconscious, reminding me that i am always that kid drawn to the edges—of structure and chaos, of reason and wildness, of stillness and fluxes.
same goes for the future, you know. at the heart of that playground mentality is knowing that tacitness probably can’t be sought after, and still choosing to spend, lavishly, my energy, feelings, and faithful self on the possibility of it—if i’m stacking my chips anywhere, it’s there.